Writing Letters Just Because

WHILE I WAS SITTING IN CLASS, BORED OUT OF MY MIND, I DECIDED I WANTED TO WRITE PRESTON A LETTER EVEN THOUGH I COULD HAVE JUST TEXTED OR CALLED HIM. I HAD SO MUCH ON MY MIND AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT ALL DOWN ON PAPER. WRITING LETTERS IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE FUN THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE! I CAN HONESTLY SAY I'M EXCITED FOR THAT PART OF HIS MISSION. IT WASN'T A VERY LONG LETTER, JUST ABOUT A PAGE AND A HALF BUT AFTER I HAD FINISHED WRITING I WAS SO EXCITED TO MAIL IT TO HIM. THE BEST PART OF THIS WHOLE THING IS THAT HE HAS NO IDEA IT'S COMING. SO ONE DAY HE'LL JUST GET THIS RANDOM LETTER AND BE LIKE "WHAT THE HECK?" I JUST WANTED HIM TO KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO ME AND HOW MUCH I MISS HIM. I HATE HAVING HIM SO FAR AWAY AND IT HASN'T GOTTEN ANY EASIER. I SPEND MOST OF MY DAYS ALONE BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE HAS PLANS AND IS BUSY. ITS HARD WHEN THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO DO IS WAIT FOR A TEXT FROM HIM BECAUSE I'M CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT HIM NOT BEING HERE. I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HIM HAVING A GREAT TIME WITH ALL HIS FRIENDS OVER IN COLORADO AND I'M SITTING HERE LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG. I HOPE THIS GETS EASIER. I DON'T LIKE THIS CONSTANT EMPTINESS I FEEL.

Late Night Phone Calls

YESTERDAY ACTUALLY ENDED ON A HAPPY NOTE. AS I WAS ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP MY PHONE STARTS RINGING. SINCE IT WAS 1:30 IN THE MORNING I WAS A LITTLE CONFUSED AND OUT OF IT WHEN I ANSWERED IT. ON THE OTHER LINE I HEARD PRESTON'S VOICE TELLING ME HE NEEDED TO TALK TO ME. WE DIDN'T REALLY TALK ABOUT ANYTHING MAJORLY IMPORTANT BUT TO US THAT CONVERSATION MEANT THE WORLD. WE TALKED FOR FORTY MINUTES ABOUT HOW WE'RE GOING TO TRY HARDER TO MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER AND HOW WE WEREN'T EXPECTING IT TO BE SO HARD. JUST TALKING TO HIM, HEARING HIS VOICE, MADE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT EVERYTHING. IT'S CRAZY HOW JUST SIMPLE THINGS CAN MAKE THE WORLD OF A DIFFERENCE. 
WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING DEAD TIRED BECAUSE I WAS UP SO LATE, I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN HAPPIER. I DIDN'T CARE THAT I LOST SLEEP BECAUSE I GOT TO TALK TO MY AMAZING BOYFRIEND INSTEAD. I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT HE KNOWS WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND SEEM A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT EASIER. I DON'T FEEL QUITE AS SAD ANYMORE, DON'T GET ME WRONG I STILL MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY, BUT I KNOW THIS IS A GOOD THING. HAVING SOMEONE LOVE THE LORD MORE THAN HE LOVES ME, PUTTING HIM FIRST, IS THE MOST SPECIAL KIND OF GUY OUT THERE. I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY!

Long Distance Relationships...

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NEVER EASY. FOR THE NEXT MONTH OR SO, PRESTON IS LIVING IN HIS HOMETOWN IN COLORADO BEFORE HE LEAVES ON MAY 8TH. I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHICH IS WORSE... HAVING HIM STILL HERE, BEING ABLE TO CALL HIM AND WHAT NOT OR JUST HAVING HIM LEAVE ON HIS MISSION NOW. OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO SAY I WOULD RATHER WANT HIM AROUND SO I CAN CALL AND SKYPE HIM, BUT IT'S PRACTICALLY TORTURE SEEING HIM BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO BE AROUND HIM. I WISH SO BAD HE WAS STILL HERE. ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS KEEP RUNNING THROUGH ME AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST CONTROL OF MY OWN SELF. I'M AT THE POINT WHERE ANYTHING SETS ME OFF, WHETHER THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO START CRYING MY EYES OUT OR IF I'M GOING TO HAVE STEAM COMING OUT OF MY EARS, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. 

TODAY HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY HARD. I WAS SO ANGRY AT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING PRESTON. IT JUST FEELS LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR ME ANYMORE AND ITS ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE HE LEFT. THEN I GOT TO THE POINT WHERE BEING ANGRY FELT GOOD, BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HURT FOR A WHILE. SO I HELD ON TO THAT. I'M STILL HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE LETTING IT GO BUT I KNOW I PROBABLY SHOULD. MAYBE I'M JUST WEIRD AND CRAZY BUT WHEN YOU'RE SITTING, STARING AT YOUR PHONE WAITING FOR A TEXT OR A PHONE CALL AND HOURS PASS WITH NOTHING, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL FORGOTTEN. THE WORST PART IS HE DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE HE'S ACTING LIKE THIS. YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD WANT TO TALK TO ME. MAYBE THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD AND I JUST NEED TO LET IT GO. HA THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE! 

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD AND THEY SUCK. BUT I THINK A KEY THING IS TO BE PATIENT AND TRUSTING. SOMETIMES HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO TEXT ME BECAUSE HE'S BUSY WITH HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS AND I NEED TO BE OKAY WITH THAT. IT'S JUST A WEIRD CHANGE FROM BEING WITH HIM ALL DAY EVERY DAY TO TALKING TO HIM FOR A COUPLE MINUTES A DAY. THAT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING THOUGH. JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.

We Can Do This

Saying goodbye is by far the hardest part. Walking away from someone you care so much about knowing you won't see them for two years takes tons of strength and courage. Last night I took the first step in the process of waiting for a missionary. I had no idea what to expect or how I would feel but I don't think I could have ever imagined it. It was physically painful for me to watch Preston drive away. At this point I feel totally numb and it doesn't feel real. 
I know it's going to hurt a lot and it's going to be so hard but I also know he's making the right decision to serve a LDS mission. Before Preston left he told me, "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. We can do this." And you know what? He's right. Two years is nothing compared to eternity. We can do this.